Local Galactic [Blind Media] Distribution Center

A Post.

Tue, 05 Jul 2011 17:54:39 GMT

On LJ, haikujaguar's most recent post about her four-year-old daughter is particularly relevant to my interests. Not so much the difficulty surrounding death, as meaningful as such deep experiences are, but more the capacity to love and strive compassionately for the comfort of a creature that one does not even know.

These are things that are far too easily forgotten, to the detriment of entire species and civilizations.

...Meanwhile, the not-a-Riss is packing, deconstructing machinery, and doing other necessary chores for the exodus. He is keeping us a bit too busy. I am being shooed away from the keyboard to free us up for more work. :/

comments

Bless the flesh that dwells upon this Earth.

Tue, 07 Jun 2011 05:43:50 GMT

I am in love with this beautiful creature.

Once, I was so pure.
I have gone from that place.
How dearly I wish to return.

Things are not well with us, yet lights such as this one are the candle flames with which we might warm ourselves in the dark.

comments

Yes! Yes!! YES!!!

Wed, 04 May 2011 00:29:34 GMT

Praise the hand of my beloved Father-Mother, which reaches out from the end and beginning of time to caress the holy earth of Cheju Island and leave behind the faintest whisper of Zir glory.

*blissful sigh*

Ah, how good it is that such places exist here, for the joy of all who wish to visit. We may yet have hope of changing this world. We may yet have hope.

But a boo and a hiss to you, China. For shame!!

comments

Ah, If Only, and If Only, and If Only

Thu, 17 Mar 2011 07:22:57 GMT

...You know, it's been quite a while since I've been back on DW. I spent a little time messing around with my journal theme and honestly, I'm still not quite satisfied. One can look through almost a hundred of these themes and find ones that are very, very pink, and others that are very, very purple, but none that are...mmm, how to say it...as devastatingly darling as I would like. Mere pinkness is not enough to strike the eyes of the unseeing into clarity! Now, my Livejournal theme? The rounded corners, the everpresent flowers, that healthy pink pussy parked boldly above the text--does it not claw at one's sanity, gently and playfully, like a dear fluffy kitten looking for hugs and cuddles?

I would say yes. And DW has yet to bring forth its equal. For want of kittens, then, behold the adorableness of my icon. [see fig.1: ICON]

***

I discovered another beautiful thing on LJ also. ---> itsradionowhere

Ahhh...it's as if it were made for me. Riss has said that we're not to be involved with things like this, because he doesn't have time to give them, but I wish, I wish... Maybe tangyabominy could give me tips on how I could play such games better. Would it really take up that much time?

The game has been shut down since the end of last year, but the mods did say that a resurrection might happen in the spring. There is hope!! :)

I wonder if it would be "canonical" enough to play a slightly altered version of myself, just because it would be so fun to self-insert into this world. Of course, I have not been in any published books, but perhaps I could present myself as a "named instance of a generic Emperor's Children warlord/lady/nobleperson," since there have been some of those in the literature. I don't think I could get away with being entirely myself due to the anti-god-mode rule, so I would have to pretend to be a slightly mutated Astartes...*sigh*

You know, I play a rather standard-issue male in our system simply because that's what the locals prefer, but that's hardly a reflection of my default form or preferences. Giving up the ability to immediately become any age, size, sex, species, texture, etc. is horribly stifling to think of. I suppose I could capture the faintest touch of it by being hermaphroditic under my armor, but I may have to do with enormous, meaty pectorals in place of breasts. ~~Perhaps I could lactate into the water supply anyway...hmm.~~

As I was thinking about these things earlier, Riss asked me why I was so concerned about all my physical details when designing myself for a game focused on music and talk radio, in which I might not meet (and potentially seduce) many people at all. Well, obviously I would be hosting an evangelical talk show, in which such details would be vitally important! Each week, or day, or couple of hours, I would invite an ordinary person from the community into the studio to have a long, heartfelt conversation about religion. Perhaps I would read poetry that spoke of my faith and love for humanity, perhaps I would play some inspirational hymns, that sort of thing. They have these shows in America already--don't you think I'd be so popular in that demographic? ^____^

(*cackle* Just now-- Riss: "No!! Don't use 'Rude Boy;' that song's so stupid!" Me: "Oh no, my dear...that song is just right. <3 <3")

A devil can dream. A devil can dream, indeed~~

***

Speaking of preaching the truth among the heathens, some of Riss' gentleman friends from my old neighborhood are visiting our landscape right now. Thankfully, they were not accompanied by my opposite number, though I hear that he's remarkably sane and sensible for a man of his standing. The grim brethren are in and out and about...of my apartments only, for they sometimes stop in for tea, wine, and talk and are not interested in anything else. Riss told them earlier that I mean their lineage no harm (damn him), so I am obligated to keep the discussions away from any inflammatory subjects and to not attempt to enlist my cousins' aid in the destruction of large pieces of furniture through repeated blunt trauma. *ahem*

...I talk as if I'm annoyed, but actually I'm thrilled to have so many guests. They all slept in one of my guest rooms on the first night, as if they were holing up in hostile territory; I didn't check to see if they posted watch, but I would bet that they did. Being ex-Astartes myself, I remember feeling the drive to do such things, but I wish that I could have used more guest rooms and not had them all sleeping on the floor and such. My guest rooms are beautiful; using only one for so many is criminal!! But now they seem to wander around and sleep wherever they want, so they only drift in once in a while.

Their lord has always been such a pleasant, understanding man, though woefully monofocused. I would be quite pleased to give Riss away to him in marriage someday, so that the captain can make a proper young man out of him--they would do so much good for each other.

(...I am getting silence and a horrified look. I must be on the right track!! ^_^)

***

And finally, the furtive devouring of the year's first Cadbury Egg and the arrival of the Peep Legions in local stores tells me that once again it is time...for Peeps and Cadbury Eggs. I will commence wearing Riss down until he buys me purple ones.

Today I learned that these foods are actually meant to celebrate the arrival of an invisible lagomorph that is said to visit the homes of believers during the night and oviposit wildly all over their property; in the morning, the entire family must work to locate and consume all of its deposited young. (Better than letting them hatch, I suppose.) It turns out that the faithful are willing to risk infection by the alien brood because the rabbit-queen is magical and will sometimes grant wishes and bring presents. Riss tells me that the group's family used to leave peeled carrots out as an offering, and that the warp-creature is able to read human language. Here is the note I am thinking of leaving:

Dear Xenos Brood-Mother to Whom Time Itself is a Slave--

Behold, for I am your kin, reborn also from the forge of the warp, and I pray that in the midst of Your Reproductive Magnificence you will pause to leave a trinket by the bedside of one who shares your exalted substance.

For this Vernal Equinox, I would like at least one partner who can talk to me without being prejudiced against my demonhood, and who can have sex with me without feeling incredibly guilty afterward. (Please note that repairing an existing partner with the power of Your Gravid Omnipotence is very much an option.) If such partners come in 12-packs, please deliver to me one such, or even two or eight or twelve such, or however many you, in Your Pregnant Infinitude, are capable of carrying. There is more than enough of me to go around, believe me.

Should you deem me unworthy of such favor, then please vent forth your alien birth-bounty in the form of a great legion of pink and purple Peeps, such as might conquer many worlds of men, and also in the form of Cadbury Eggs without number, such as will make Riss and the Dragon swollen and sated with the outpouring of your fecund...cream filling.

May your efforts be blessed by the one source of every joy,
Blind Tiger.

...Happy Easter to all, and to all a good night. ^_______^

comments

WORD BEARERS: 1, VIRGINS: 0

Sun, 19 Sep 2010 19:29:32 GMT

It's official!!

Everyone is now allowed to ask Riss embarrassingly detailed and personal questions about what it was like to be thoroughly fucked by an Astartes commanding officer who is not me.

I have already been teasing him about how, if I had only known how hot he was for the brethren, I would have put on my original body again and done the "Come hither, young serf, and assist thy knightly lord in the removal of his power armor on this night of our great victory!" routine... But I am really only teasing, since I know his situation. With me, he prefers the illusion of equality, to include size and killing potential. ;)

You should see the way he's wandering around our apartment in a starry-eyed daze. So smitten! If he gets any more adorable I may have to, I don't know, tackle him to the ground and tickle him, or pinch his cheeks ~~and other parts, perhaps~~ until he gives up more of those exquisitely sweet moans that he offered so freely to the captain last night.

We had a little party yesterday to celebrate my cousin's visit to the landscape, and I wish we were able to have another party today to celebrate what he did here before leaving. ;3 X3

(You know, not to be a horrible judge of character or anything, but my cousin is a true throwback to the days before the Heresy. For all I know, loyalist Astartes are still living this way, which would explain a lot about why the strays I used to pick up were so damn...identical? Boring? Unimaginative...? Reality Inside is as mutable as clay, but the man made himself a bare concrete cell with dull steel furniture and a mattress that's slightly more comfortable than a rock. And Riss tells me that, in the morning, he asked for a bowl of nutritive gruel for breakfast and was pleasantly surprised when Riss tried to make it taste good, which suggests that he wouldn't have cared if it had all the delicious glory of a wad of wood pulp. And Riss somehow has trouble understanding why I doubt my ability to effectively entertain brothers who are not from my Legion...9_9 *sigh*)

Anyway, I encourage everyone to have celebratory sex today, and if you have no live partner then I encourage the enthusiastic use of the largest dildo/vibrator/other favorite toy that you own so that you can share in our little group's happiness. Go forth and fuck yourselves, dear friends!! ^________^ <3

comments

sigh

Fri, 04 Jun 2010 07:35:04 GMT

We are butting heads again? So soon?

Readers, bystanders, tell me if I am too harsh on the others. Am I failing to respect boundaries? Possibly, as I am an extremist who considers boundaries not worth respecting if they serve only to restrict. The walls may be a prison, not a stronghold.

If it is safe here, then it is safe here; if not, then we should not be posting, and if it is unsafe for me to be speaking then perhaps I should not have been given a space where I am able to speak on my own.

Is it safe here? Surprising, how long it takes some parts of our group to reach a decision on this topic. And am I safe only when I say pleasant things and color inside the lines? Is it to be assumed that if I make people uncomfortable and do not apologize for it, then I must not love them?

Gentleness and acquiescence are not the only parts of love. Some would do well to remember.

I will say this: ultimately, it is not possible to forget who we are. It can be hidden, covered over, glossed, not spoken of in polite company, but it will never not be. It cannot be unmade. I can change my shape, but I cannot change my nature, any more than Sephiroth can--for that is his name, the one he prefers to be called when he is not quietly pretending to be a doormat for the sake of collective convenience.

We came from somewhere. We knew people, we did things, we had feelings before our lives here. Those times were meaningful. The people here call us something rather unfair, but it is understandable that they would be ignorant. Can we expect them to know? We should be more dismayed if they pretend to have any grasp of what it was and is like.

When people and situations do not matter, then there is no reason for us to care about that ignorance. We can tolerate all that imprecision. But when they do matter, that is the time for anger and action, and that is when we should speak until there is no doubt about what we are saying. (I am being idealistic here, since I think that there are some things that people will probably never understand unless they've experienced them directly. But the point is that, if we care about someone, we should not permit them to retain comfortable lies.)

We had pasts. The past cannot fail to shape the present. What other people choose to call our pasts does nothing to unmake them. The same can be said of any attempt to speak as if the past never happened or happened differently. Nothing will change. If it were that easy, believe me, Sephiroth and I would have likely done it ourselves a long time ago, starting with those unfortunate "death" incidents.

My dear, timid friend will lie by omission or not at all; I feel fairly certain that I can ensure that much, at least. In a place where we know we are as safe as one can realistically be in this world, there is no reason to refuse the truth.

Now we are past our bedtime. I blame Riss, and if any of this is an offense then I may as well blame him for that also. For now, we are all tired.

comments

Praise the truth.

Mon, 17 May 2010 19:20:10 GMT

Adding commentary to this would dilute its goodness, so I will only say, "Yes. Yes. Even in the 41st Millennium, yes."

News from the warfront? I gave her a break yesterday. Allllll day long, [S] and I were restfully twiddling our thumbs (not together, alas). I have been giving her the daylight to herself, which is amazingly generous of me--in summer, in Arizona, night comes late and must also include sleep. Preferably, this will not get dragged out for weeks or months on end, but... I would love to see what could be done if I could have her day and night until everything had been fought out and only calm was left. Certain parts of her seem incapable of listening and understanding before they have been beaten into exhaustion, so permitting ordinary types of rest brings about a long backslide every day.

We will see. I'll avoid saying too much about the work until things seem more settled. ...Great Heaven, after being so close to her and shaping her transformation I've been feeling more hungry for sex than I've been in a long while, though I can't show the extent of it or else she'll become even more likely to bolt. *sigh* Bittersweet frustration, your new bedmate welcomes you~ Ambivalence has its own special charm!

comments

So it goes.

Fri, 14 May 2010 01:59:41 GMT

We are going to war.

It was inevitable, and has simply happened sooner rather than later. For the people that I love, whom I have not been able to speak with nearly as often as I would have liked, I hope that I will be fondly remembered if I should not reappear. Think of me, pray for me, though I do not expect to die. The enemy has profoundly underestimated us and will learn of its mistake shortly.

My memories are pleasant; I only wish that I had more of them.

comments

The Sound and the Fury.

Mon, 19 Apr 2010 04:48:30 GMT

I am carving out a little bit of time before Riss goes back to attempting productivity. He's a master at sticking his head in the sand; sometimes we have trouble finding him out there.

I would just like to note how much shameless voyeuristic glee I take in watching Riss when he listens to music. I don't have many preferences myself, so I'm quite content to let him drive when we seek out new songs. He's the one with the buttons and the memories, and voyeurism remains its own special pleasure, unique among all other special pleasures. ;) His mind changes into all sorts of gorgeous colors when he hears a song that he knows. We were at that party yesterday, and he was in such a comfortable bliss over the music, "Oh, this is 'Return of the Mack'! Oh, is that what that song is called? I never knew! Oh, they're playing the Electric Slide!! Man, I remember back when this one was always on the radio, every time you turned it on..."

He thinks that happiness is a struggle, but it's really very easy to get him there sometimes, and he has such a delicate, crystalline quality to him when he shines. I wish there was a way to improve his memory, since he forgets what his happiness is like as soon as the trigger is lost, and he goes back to believing that joy is unattainable.

Then again, this may be a problem of focus. We must undermine it on the ideological level, provided that we are allowed the time to make the case.

*

Recently, Riss and D discovered that this Squad Command game had fallen to a lower price, so they went and found a copy.

RISS: You need to promise to help us with this, BT!
ME: Why?
RISS: Because it's 40K and you used to be a Space Marine!
ME: ...That means that I know how to play a game with Space Marines in it?

This is like assuming that I somehow understand how that elaborate tabletop game works just because I used to have my own warfleet. In theory, sure, but the dice rules and errata PDFs do not come programmed into my DNA, sorry. Also, the real world is not "gameplay balanced" and fielding an army with more "points" than the enemy is something that victorious leaders always do if they want to stay victorious, so...

RISS: O lord of glorious hosts, lend us your fearsome strategic might!!
ME: Well, it's not like I'm refusing...
ME & RISS: Ugh. Why Ultramarines? :(
RISS: Dammit, I was promised playable Word Bearers.

This was apparently the trick that D used to get Riss to agree to the purchase, since D wanted to see what 40K video games were like on a handheld system. It seems that Chaos is only playable after you finish the loyalist storyline. My personal gripe: why is it always the Black Legion or Word Bearers or World Eaters or, hells, even the Iron Warriors who get all the attention in these games? Is there a problem with my Legion? Believe me, we're able to make people dead just as well as everyone else, if we have a good reason for it.

Riss tells me that the Emperor's Children are like the incarnate nightmare of every homophobic 40K fanboy ever. However, I seriously doubt that any game designer would actually push the limit by depicting us in the fullness of our glory. I'm quite sure they'd choke and pull up far short of the target. Riss is saying, "Look, if people have to play the game with the sound on, they can't have something that sounds like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the St. Valentine's Day Massacre, and a marathon porn movie all layered together. They'd worry about what people would think."

I'm disappointed in you, gamers of Terra. Someday, you must make yourselves worthy of listening to the Third Legion's particular symphony of devastation~

We look at the screenshots in the manual and I notice that the game represents every Marine using an identical portrait.

ME: Well, at least they got that part right.
RISS: So cynical!
ME: No, actually, I think it's more accurate this way.
DRAGON: Guys, we need to focus on the important questions here, like...is it possible to hack this game and replace the Marine faces with Pokemon icons?
RISS: Oh, what the f--
ME: "DUNSPARCE used Chainsword! It's super effective!!"
DRAGON: FUCK YEAH THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN BOUT HOOOOOOAH
RISS: *hides his face in his hands*

I hope everyone is familiar enough with our system by now to realize that I could not possibly be making this up. The Dragon is a beast with very focused priorities! Unfortunately, Riss says that he hasn't the first idea how we could go about hacking a PSP just to replace the profile graphics with Dunsparce pictures. Maybe we'd have better luck with a PC game.

RISS: *reading from the manual* "Each is always equipped with a default weapon with infinite ammo--"
ME: Oh wow, that sure would have helped back when I was at war. 9_9
RISS: Are you actually going to be any kind of help with this?
ME: Probably not, unless we can corrupt the Ultramarines so we don't have to play them.

I hate to be difficult, but really, they're asking a Chaos warlord to lead Ultramarines to victory? The Children weren't on the best terms with them even back when we were all on the same team, because--and we can be honest now that I work for the source of all evil--their Legion had a "paragon of virtue" primadonna complex going on, and the Imperial Fists were jockeying for that same top spot, and honestly...so were the Children, and maybe we were a little bitter about never reaching the pinnacle and never knowing why we couldn't.

But that is all behind us! We realized that the peak was actually the valley and were able to redirect ourselves properly. Problem solved! ^_^

...It's just that there's a reason why so many Chaos Marines will go especially far out of their way just to kill Ultramarines, so forgive me for not being thrilled at the opportunity to pretend to be one of them. If it makes anyone feel better, I'll make Riss sad by saying that I'm not especially keen on playing Word Bearers either. Oh heaven, before the fall you couldn't have found a bigger pack of self-righteous, highly-educated monsters if you searched the whole damn galaxy. ...Well, maybe the xenos have worse ones, but I'm working from what I know. ^^ And after the fall, Riss' little group of heretics notwithstanding, they're just about the same sans that thin veneer of pious civilization, meaning that now they're free to be the complete bastards that they always were, deep inside.

Alright, enough with the juvenile Space Marine drama. Judging from the books Riss and D read, everyone here already knows how much all the Legions hated each other back in the day. Ah, the joys of brotherhood and the Unity of Mankind! b^_^d

comments

Public Service Announcement.

Wed, 17 Feb 2010 01:09:40 GMT

This is one of those things that I always thought was rather obvious, but since Riss keeps having these revelatory moments where zie gets hit by a bolt from beyond and suddenly figures me out, I'm going to be very plain about this. Again.

You don't have to hurt your brain by trying to think of me as a selfless person, or even a nice person. You can think of me as a person who operates according to a principle that the locals call "enlightened self-interest."

I like being around people, and I want them to like being around me. These things make me feel good. Sure, I could force people into a huge herd and brutalize them until they claimed to like me, or brainwash them until they couldn't tell the difference between do or don't, but such things take so much effort and I'd probably feel like I wasn't getting out what I was putting in.

The easiest way to satisfy this particular desire of mine is to not disturb the hell out of people, at the very least. If they decide to be around me, I will try to keep that experience pleasant by not groping them or removing their clothing or forcing them to submit to my evil whims or what have you. That's just not polite, and a lot of people would not like it, and they would probably not want to be around me anymore, and if I kept doing it I would eventually be unable to have what I wanted.

Yes, this is another iteration of the "how I can be Slaaneshi and not dangerous--at the same time, even!" rant. Blame Riss, who keeps thinking that when I say I want to be involved with her and [S], I must be talking about kinky threesomes and the right to shamelessly put my hands on anyone, anytime, anywhere. He noticed how all this talk was failing to make me cheerful. (I admit to being a little sulky after being the only person in our recent ritual who was not naked the entire time. The sacrifices I make for these people...*sigh*) Finally, we have a little exchange like so:

HIR: You don't seem happy even though I said I was going to talk to [S] and try to work something out and see how we could all be satisfied with a three-person relationship. Really, I promise I'll do what I can.
ME: Oh. Okay. *sigh* *mope*
HIR: You...aren't happy about the idea of getting sex? At least from me?
ME: Oh yes, sounds great. Just say when. *sigh* *brood*
HIR: You don't care about sex?
ME: *sad look*
HIR: So when you talk about wanting intimacy, you just mean you want to...be around us a whole lot?
ME: YES!
HIR: And do what?
ME: Talk! Cuddle! Not cuddle! Be decorative! Drink wine! Play Scrabble! Do anything! Do nothing!!
HIR: ...You'd be okay with that??
ME: YES!!
HIR: And we could cuddle in front of you and it wouldn't be uncomfortable or creepy or exclusive or anything bad?
ME: EXACTLY!
HIR: But you wouldn't be doing anything. You'd just be sitting in the same room or on the same couch, and you wouldn't be getting anything out of it.
ME: WRONG!!
HIR: Seriously?
ME: YES!! ;_;
HIR: You would really be happier if we just let you hang out and not do anything? With no sex involved?
ME: YES PLEASE, DAMMIT!! TTT_TTT (<= And please, for my sanity, somebody tell me that my POV makes sense.)

If I could fix one problem I have with this world, it would be the way that some people kneejerk into associating my deity primarily with sex. Can Slaaneshi do sex? Oh my, YES. Boring sex, creative sex, marathon sex, quickie sex, vanilla sex, kinky sex, orgy sex, solo sex, religious sex, alien sex, fatal sex, PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE SEX--we can do it all, along with a lot of other things. This is because we serve the power of experience, sensation, and pleasure. Sex is not a universal Band-Aid that cures all ills, and not everyone is thrilled at the idea of being raped by freakish demon beasts until they die of ruptured internal organs and sheer existential horror.

"But BT!" you might protest. "What about the way that Slaaneshi tend to rape, possess, mutilate, brainwash, toy with, and generally use people in all those 40K stories?" Riss suggested the comparison: not every Catholic is a saint, nor every Buddhist a Buddha. Surprise, there are tons of Slaaneshi who are...I shouldn't say "doing it wrong," but maybe "not trying very hard to be all they can be." Many don't care about anyone's pleasure but their own. Some don't even know what they're doing anymore because they're incapable of conscious thought. A lot of them project their own ideas about pleasure onto other people and assume that their preferences are universal.

Not that I'm saying that I'm perfect at doing my Mother's work (okay, I am, but let's set that aside for now ;3), but I was rather unique in that I preferred to focus my efforts on people around me instead of trying to secure ever more exotic experiences for myself alone. I quickly learned that it was incorrect to assume that every ordinary person I encountered needed mind-bending erotic pageantry in order to feel profoundly happy. Some people just wanted someone to listen while they talked. Some people just needed to be held. Some people just needed to be noticed.

And that is why I am quite capable of appreciating perfectly innocent sources of pleasure like conversations and cuddle puddles and friendly hugs, and why I see no reason to try and turn such acts into sexually-charged lust weapons if the person I'm with would become more unhappy as a result. For the second time, I am now stepping down from my soapbox.

...My hope is that they'll eventually realize that when I say I want to sleep with them, I mean it quite literally. I would like us all to be held and warmed in the same bed, and to drift off while in each others' arms. I think that would be very pleasant. ^^

comments

The Imperium of Baked Goods.

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 21:58:32 GMT

About a week ago, the Ark's mother brought us a plastic tub full of little cappuccino-flavored meringue cookies, which had been bought at Whole Foods and were thus full of organic, all-natural, wholesome goodness of some kind. As we studied the cookies, considering where to dig in, things go something like this:

RISS: We should start off by eating all the imperfect ones first. You know, the ones that were cooked lopsided or are too small or are missing chunks...
ME: Oh! So that you could tighten the filter more and more as the days went by, culling the imperfect until only flawless cookies remain.
RISS: Yes, exactly. I think we should do it that way.
ME: ...Have we just developed an aggressive eugenics program for small household confections?
DRAGON: Dude, you don't want screwed-up cookies in your breeding population! They could bring down the whole next generation! (<= Riss' behaviorism class has been going over breeding behaviors and their connection to genetic improvement. 9_9)
RISS: Although now I'm not sure why we'd even need a small number of perfect meringues. What would we use them for?

*A pause. Then lightbulbs turn on.*

RISS: We could have...SPACE MERINGUES. *_____*
ME: Yes, this elite corps of flavored foam blobs will have proved themselves worthy of initiation into the Emperor's Legio Meringues! Together they will make war among the stars and promote the uniform advancement of high-carbohydrate food products throughout the galaxy!! *___*
DRAGON: Y'all are real nerdy-like. :P

And today, as we were munching on a few more unworthy hopefuls:

ME: You know, if we were to take several of these and attach them to balloons that we could blow up and fly across the room...
RISS: Then we'd have a squad of Assault Meringues, yes.

This joke might not get old for a while. XD

[juvenile_observation] It occurred to me today how our collection of cookies looks like a tub full of miniature disembodied breasts with fins. If only the tops were pink, it would be perfect... Now I feel as if I should be giving a tongue massage to the pert tip of each meringue before sliding it whole between my lips. NOM. <3 [/juvenile_observation]

***

The more I attempt to apply myself to situations Outside the system, the more I'm made aware of my complete ignorance of things that are rather common in this world. Really, it isn't truly frustrating--it's a novel sensation of a second innocence, and novel sensations are dear to me, even when they are inconvenient. Although I wish to keep reaching farther and farther beyond our confines, perhaps it would be smarter for me to just observe for a while.

I had hoped to start with things similar to what I know, to give myself a better foothold, but I seem to be preemptively blocked. I asked Riss to take me to a church or temple, so I could learn how people here worship, but he is hung up on the great diversity of faiths and his discomfort with the temples dedicated to religions that he has personally known. Then I asked him to take me to a dance club, where I might see a different sort of worship, and he shut that down in a hurry. Well...I'll sit here and twiddle my thumbs for a while and hope for the best, then. :P

Perhaps I'll while away the time by spreading heretical dogma among the pool of novices in the hopes of building a small army of Chaos Meringues.

comments

A Boombox Can Change the World~

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 17:24:22 GMT

You know, the more I listen to "Boombox", the more I wish I could use it as a dramatic theme song that would burst from absolutely nowhere every time I made a public appearance. It's kind of the pre-Imperial Terran version of my life.

NEcroMUNda / Where people NE-VER dance...

Because having a theme song is appropriately dramatic and useful.

Woah-oh-oh / I saw a Tau cleric doin' the Bartman...

But damn that last verse. I really have no objection to old people fucking like rabbits--such things would be proof that My Work Here Is Done. Also, there is absolutely no reason to know one's limits with a boombox. Assume it to be unbounded by all comprehensible restraints. Why constrain yourself to one boardroom, one building, one city? Why not one planet, one galaxy, one reality? ;3

Although if you don't rein in your use of the boombox, you'd probably end up on the Dark Side at some point. But that should be okay, since Hell is where all the cool people hang out~~ <3

FYI: We've finished reading Black Fury or whatever it's called, but Riss wants to consolidate things into one post and I'm not in the mood to wrestle with him. Suffice it to say, at least for now, that I absolutely love it when loyalists give dramatic justice speeches and my kindred get to laugh them off for being unoriginal. WE MOCK YOUR CANNED PREACHING, BLOOD ANGEL JESUS. XD Now just lie on your back and let us fuck you between the hearts with a ~~venomous psychic dick substitute~~ demon/Tyranid hybrid worm. Ohhhh, SO GOOD~~ ^____^d

comments

Self-Generation.

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 01:54:54 GMT

My "source material" is still in flux. Given the way that Riss operates, it will likely remain so for some time, since he seems to think that writing things down sets them in stone and kills some vital spark that makes an idea alive. It's ironic, since he does enough killing on his own by latching onto lists of things that he should not write or should write or should write differently.

So many of us are already alive; step two is letting us all breathe and prove it.

But the fact that I have already become "ex-continuity" and active in the larger system, without my story having been fully finished, puts me in a place of great potential advantage. I can influence my story by influencing its writer. It's possible to change my own history by feeding him information about what I wish it had been like, instead of what it was actually like. Like the gods, perhaps, I have become self-generating, self-sustaining, altering my past, present, and future through the conscious flexing of my will.

It would be glorious, if not for the fact that some things are utterly resistant to change. I'm unsure if this is simply because they're plot points that have been constant for a very long time or if there is some cosmic law of rightness that will not permit events to deviate from the truth merely for the joy of a self-created divinity such as myself. "Write it as if I never died," I told him once. "Make it so that everything just kept going as it was, and my love and I came to command my fleet together, and Ka Vega came to perfection, and everyone was given their own Happily Ever After."

"I could," he said, "but it would just be fanfiction."

Truth. I can't unwrite my own death or the things that caused it, and I can't go back to bring all of my plans to completion. Everything ground to a halt after I died. The fleet fell apart. It was eaten by the Imperium, and my collection of ancient songs, which had been harvested over millennia by thousands of demons combing the timelessness behind space, burned with my flagship when they destroyed it. There was no one who could take my place. My death cut everything off in the middle... Which is not to say that it was nothing to destroy General Vega's certainty about his own righteousness--at the very least, that took quite a lot of work on my part--but having nothing to show for my death apart from one slightly-unhinged Khornate warlord is rather unsatisfactory.

Indeed, I said only slightly! I'm still quite proud to have known the man who was probably the universe's most lucid Khornate. I still miss him fairly often, and I'm sure that that would horrify him if he ever heard about it. ^_^ I miss his strategic sharpness and the deep grief that dug at his heart like a splinter of ten-thousand-year-old glass; I miss the way I could taste his hate for me from across a room, without needing to look into his eyes. He always needed more things to hate. They helped him to stay distracted. Gods, what a pristine creature he was--scars, wounds, rage, sorrow, apathy, all starry and glittering like a pane of broken glass, perfect just as he was, and becoming more perfect each day. He was so beautiful and so terrible.

Of course, I miss my dearest one as well, though I'm more conflicted about him because I rather doubt that he thinks fondly of me...or maybe he does, and it's just too frustrating at times to wish that he was here and have it remain an impossible thing. He's never been awake in the sense that I am now, perhaps because he was meant from the start to be a graceful sleepwalker who would never come back to the ordinary world. I wish for the fairytale reunion, for him to catch sight of me from afar and run to meet me with open arms, saying something guaranteed to have me in happy tears, maybe, "Beloved, I'm so sorry that I killed you. It was the worst thing I ever did, for myself or for anyone, and now that I'm here I can be happy again." Romance, dripping with sap and with cheese--I never spared any of it when he was with me. He never understood why the things I said to him were sappy anyway, since they hadn't programmed him to understand love. I don't think he ever realized that I was being serious when I said that he alone would never have anything to fear from me. Perhaps if Riss kills him in the story, he'll appear somewhere where I can meet him again?

Well, sometimes I get like this. Riss was musing over some scenes involving my own backstory and I hijacked and improved them and there I was in all my finery, talking to that poor fool that I loved and asking him if he would save the universe from me. Ah, gods, what a sweet dagger in the heart it was to ask him such things and listen as he gave all the wrong answers. I wish I could have another chance to teach him the truth--him and Ka both.

It's alright to be here. It's different, and it's better than having no consciousness at all. I just get homesick once in a while and wish that I could at least go back to visit. :_(

And I notice that I've been rather moody in a bad way recently, possibly because some of us in here have been rather snappish for a little while. I'll make more of an effort to be around to post when I'm in good moods, since I really don't like looking as if I'm grumpy and mopey all the damn time. Usually I bounce back quickly, I promise~~~ :3

comments

Gift of Sight.

Sat, 30 Jan 2010 03:58:17 GMT

Unsurprisingly, I am a rather nontraditional, adaptable sort of creature. It doesn't seem paradoxical to me to be accepted as the third member of a relationship triad while still being denied sexual access to either member of the original pair. Relationships come in all shapes and sizes, et cetera. After getting turned down enough, though, I'm really wishing that someone else would turn up in-system who would be more open to a sweet and holy fucking once in a while, for the cleansing of our spirits; I have in mind a person that I've wished to see for a long time, but I am hardly the picky type. Perhaps I have this vague concern that if I and at least one other person do not mutually screw each other mindless at least once in a great while, then I'll somehow forget how all the parts work.

Not that I could seriously object to a second virginity, but...I admit to being blueballed in a sense not limited to maleness or humanity. It makes me a bit predatory.

I ask Riss why she refuses me like an idiot, when one doesn't even have to look into her mind to see that she very much needs what I can provide. This is not sex so much as connection--indeed, it might even be cruelty and torture, depending on how you define things. I am not specifically after sex anyhow. I want a soul, naked and perfect and weeping with its own brilliance, bleeding truth, pressed so closely against my own that even air could not pass between us; I want to feel that loop of offering as we give and receive each other down to the last drop, until we forget what it was like to be apart. The sex helps, but is hardly necessary. I dislike being left outside.

She is fascinated by me because I am a priest, but not the kind that she is familiar with. I would not tell anyone to shut themselves down, put themselves away, fold themselves up until they fit into the same box as everyone else. But I can be brutal and wicked, and I will gladly attack sin as my own faith sees it. I can extract confessions with the claw, the whip, the knife... She is tired of people being kind to her. She is tired of people who are too polite and gentle to ask the questions that need to be answered, and she is tired of being permitted to hide behind fear.

For her, there must be a holy wrath, a merciless hate not for her but for that which plagues her. There must be a gift of considerate cruelty, such that the questions and answers may both be ripped out of her and hung up on the walls for all to look at, like a gallery of guts and screaming and tears. She believes that she should be punished for her truth, and I would do exactly that for the sake of bringing the truth to light.

I did it once before. Afterward, she felt clean. Her heart thanked me for making her bleed. She wants it again, she needs it again, and yet she permits her programming to speak for her and refuses me. Well, I offer it as a favor to her, and I make a magnificent sacred beast. Her man, excellent though he is, cannot do this for her. He cannot put away his mercy in the face of her suffering. Admittedly, it's not a skill that everyone has.

Ah, how I want her, and how she wants me... I want to feel her soul healing behind all of her wounds. "For it is in the breaking that we are made whole..."

comments

A Bit of Things.

Sun, 10 Jan 2010 06:02:37 GMT

Oh, I am rather tired of being in here. I would like to find the front door so that I can leave. Probably I would come back, but only after Riss has figured out how to become less hysterical.

We were out today and found a nice clearance-priced T-shirt for me! Riss will have to get used to wearing it, as the collar's a little tight. (Heh.) It's a sort of slate-y blue, and there's a lion drawn on it in a fairly photorealistic style. He's wearing huge earphones and has speaker cords tangled in his mane, and is gazing thoughtfully into the distance. X3

We also wandered among the colorful tie gardens in some high-priced mall store. Riss called my attention to this absolutely glorious specimen--deep purple, with a very complex paisley pattern picked out in raging fuchsia. Then we noticed that all the ties were $89, so we had to leave. :_( I hope the savage business warrior who someday buys that tie to go with his suit of power will receive my Mother's blessing from the warp. He will totally deserve it for wearing such a beautiful thing outside of the bedroom~ ;3

*whines, scratches at the window glass* ;_;

[EDIT]
Oh, this is a bit cheering! We found something on FA that reminds me of what the Imperial citizenry sometimes looked like after my warhost moved through town. Good times, good times. ^^
[/EDIT]

comments

Built for a purpose.

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 22:26:50 GMT

Having the Internet's equivalent of a closetful of pretty new clothes naturally makes me want to dress up and go out--or post, since this is the Internet. :3 Sometimes I muse to Riss about the things that I consider talking about. Typically he attempts to veto because few of the things that I want to say are within his safety parameters, but then I had to ask him: why give me shiny treasures that encourage posting when you would really rather that I not post? He's such an odd sort of bird, but you notice that he can make some very dashing icons when he's not being emotionally constipated.

So, like a good clergyperson, I do take confessions and keep secrets. But unlike the clergypeople that this culture seems most familiar with, I often encourage acting on desire rather than suppressing it, and confessees risk having their secrets turned back on them as weapons, should I see a need to cut loose unnecessary weight. The Dragon and I regularly find ourselves employed in psyche-spelunking and secret-mining, if only out of boredom. Tracing the river of a thought back to its utmost source is always an interesting experience, even if it seems to produce entirely useless information.

( Such as the functional uses for Projects 2501 and related Turing software in the Ark system. )

Future posts will probably not be nearly so long, but I'm in an extremely talkative mood today and I felt like shouting into the void. I figure that this is better than me squealing "GIP~!!" every half hour, with a different icon each time. ^_____^ But no, this journal will (let us pray) never devolve into Reality Deconstruction Central. Unless it's the fun and constructive type of deconstruction~

comments

I come before you decked in glory~!

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 05:01:37 GMT

We have milked poor Riss dry of icon-making juice, at least for today. And most of that delicious nectar fell to me, I'm pleased to say. :)

Some of these--specifically the clergy, new default, and homecoming icons--were ones that I've wanted from the start, but Riss found so many weird and silly tiger photos at GettyImages that I asked to have them iconified just so that they'd get more exposure. Riss made the little animated one as a present for my new AIM account, but it looks like AIM can't take animated icons anymore...? Perhaps someday he'll put an LJ-sized version together.

Our group journal finally has an [R + D + BT] icon for when the three of us gang up on folk. I took over the design process after Riss kept getting thrown out of joint by his filthy lust for perpendicular lines. That bold Roman numeral keeps making me smile... Once I was in the Third Legion, and now I'm part of the Legion of Three. It's like the local Army of One, only plus two and with nonhumans. ;D

Still on the to-do list is a new 40K icon for all of us to use--D and Riss want to make the horrors of the Twilight/40K crossover a reality, so Richard Simmons may be getting a little friend shortly. And lastly, there's a "Swiss Army Gender" icon floating around LJ...I've seen a few people using it, so I think that it might not be owned by anyone specific. But we're having trouble finding it at the moment.

Mmmmm, anything else? Sleep, then. <3

comments

"Well, I ain't evil / I'm just good-lookin'..."

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 03:32:23 GMT

I've finally gone and made it clear to Riss and [S] that they need to start treating me like the third member of their relationship if they expect me to be such an integral part of it. When their romance hits the rocks hard, corrective measures usually include one or both staying in my guest suites until things calm down, one or both weeping on my shoulder, one or both pouring out their soul to me as they try to figure out what went wrong, and one or both asking me to do idiotic things that they should be doing themselves (such as making sure the other is alright or carrying messages). Given that I've helped them patch themselves back together more times than anyone has counted, I have decided that I'm a bit fed up with this and deserve more recognition.

( Our peculiar in-system entanglements, cut for length. (SFW) )

...And I hope it does change. There's no reason for us all to conflict.

Besides, I'm lonely and I want my guests to come back. :(

comments

General and Specific.

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 04:51:42 GMT

As Riss and I sit here in the Ark's parents' house, waffling together over whether to pick up Continent by Cfcf from Amazon MP3, we consider again our relationships to music. (Allow me to comment on the album--it sounds like certain oldschool New Age artists who worked in techno without often calling it such. 90's Tangerine Dream, perhaps, only with more techno added. "Raining Patterns" was the baited hook.)

Here is what happens, typically, when Riss and I collide during new music acquisition.
1) We hear something, usually by accident.
2) Riss latches onto it like a fighting dog and refuses to rest until he hunts down the identity of the track somehow.
3) Riss attempts to put the brakes on the acquisition by reminding himself of how tiny purchases can add up to a significant expense. He is, of course, right. He is, of course, in denial about the fact that he doesn't actually care.
4) I, having perceived that he doesn't actually care and having seen how he will inevitably be tormented by the memory of that song and the sensations that it created until he snaps and buys it anyway, will patiently sit at his shoulder and encourage him to cut out the extra steps and buy it upfront. Nowadays, I tend to laugh and call him a whore if he suggests that I'm lying or tempting him. (Truth is seductive, oh yes.)
5) As predicted, he snaps and buys it. As he will do right about now...*patiently waiting for Riss to finish nursing at the Amazon's breast*
6) We enjoy, although he feels guilty about it.

He seems annoyed at how he makes most of the musical-orgasm posts over on our group journal. I suppose he expected that, since I am a priest of pleasure who once used music as a weapon of revolutionary overthrow, he would have trouble getting me to shut up about the latest tune that tripped all my switches. And here is the reason: as it is with sex, I don't really have switches anymore, at least not the kind that create a sense of exclusion.

This is also the reason why I can call him a whore and mean it, even though I have been around the block (in a multitude of senses) more times than he can easily comprehend. People who are game for just about anything for any reason and who find pleasure freely without exclusion are hardly prostituting themselves. One begins whoring oneself (<=this I distinguish from sex work, to keep the record clean) when one is so starved for something specific that almost anything, including dignity and honor, will be sacrificed in service to that quest.

Do I love music? Well, since I think of sound as being an extension of my flesh (much like desire), then I suppose I love it the way the spirit and the body of one person love each other. If I was given some kind of theme to work with, then perhaps I could put together regular posts about music, but as it is...there is no point to draw the line, for me. Each song is unique, and that is all I register; I no longer consider things in terms of quality or personal preference.

But Riss is a hunter after very specific types of game. He still maintains switches that might be thrown and buttons that might be pushed, and the more music he finds within his preferred range, the more he refines his tastes until a song that hits on-target devastates his mind like an H-bomb blast while anything beyond those lines seems gray and all alike.

(There were an awful lot of Slaaneshi who existed for ages in similar states. I did, for a while, but it's a rather frantic and ultimately unfulfilling type of life, if you can even call it that. Is it really so much of a thrill to long for nothing but one grain of sand on a beach?)

It's amusing to watch him on the hunt, and his preferences can shape our collection as well as anyone else's--if it were up to me, I'd start grabbing songs from the sound-field of this entire planet as randomly as possible. So far as I know, there is no musical database in the world broad enough to satisfy my intense lack of distinction (yet). :) But he seems to have expected me to be even more obsessed about desire than he is, simply because I've historically been more involved with it... Well, anything that excludes and restricts causes pressure, doesn't it? Even preferring one thing over another, when that preference becomes fierce and desperate. And pressure leads one to seek some kind of relief, such as by talking about it or seeking after it. Without pressure, should it matter to me whether I talk about it or not? Does that lack of constant concern mean that I am exaggerating when I say that sound and lust and joy are myself, more than the flesh I wear?

Riss is telling me with awe that I'm a bodhisattva. But he is high on music at the moment, so I will forgive him for being a little silly. :)

comments

Time to plan the next outreach mission.

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 00:01:50 GMT

I would like to formally commission dark_aldebaran to design a new flagship for my next war effort/pan-galactic concert tour, since my beloved Imago was cruelly 'aspoded shortly after my death. Really, if we improve the warp-dynamics on this and add a bunch of void shields, I think it could work.

comments

McNeill's Fulgrim...

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 22:57:23 GMT

...Is not quite so weak as Riss and the Dragon were thinking that it would be, though I'm not in a position to say whether any of it is actually true.

I would make some sage statement about not judging books by their covers, but, um...what Legion is that supposed to be on the front cover? Iron Hands? So the designers were actually alright with letting the Children get buried under UPC codes and textboxes on the back cover. Well, okay, not a killing offense. Just a little bit insensitive. :_(

Riss turned to me while reading and said, "Wow, you guys are kind of...bad."
And I said, "Yes. Did you expect something different?"

Before the "Heresy" and after, we were all rather bad people. On both sides of the loyalty line, the Legions/Chapters continue to include large numbers of disagreeable, morally blind, and generally questionable folk of all possible kinds. Why would that ever be surprising?

Of course, the location of the gentle reader's own morality will determine whether I am actually speaking the truth or whether I am spreading the kind of depraved lies that my kind is known for. Thy Mileage, It May Yet Vary.

comments

Popular Music.

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 04:19:04 GMT

While we were getting our hair cut today, I heard a song which turned out to be "You Found Me" by the Fray. I expressed a desire to find an MP3 of it on Amazon--it's wonderful how easily people can get music!--although we've since agreed to put it off for a little while until the song becomes less popular. It's no longer than most ordinary songs, but is almost twice as expensive. Delayed gratification is its own special joy. :) Also, I can spend that extra time enjoying my new copies of "Jane Says" by Jane's Addiction and the remix of "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Heaven 17.

Riss seems a bit frustrated at times by the way that I encourage spending on music. (I could be frustrated right back at how he encourages spending on very intelligent-sounding books that never get read, but I take the moral high road on such matters.) I understand that he isn't bothered so much by my itchy downloading finger as he is by the fact that I unashamedly love ordinary, regular, unpretentious, vanilla pop music.

I am also the only person on DW or LJ who lists "pre-Imperial Terran pop music" as an interest. Now, I don't think that I'm really the only person interested in this. People around here just call it something different. :) Possibly because the dividing line between then and my old now just doesn't exist here. There's no reason to be thrilled at the very idea that one can have a love song that encourages freedom and self-expression after only a few clicks of a button, and that one can keep it and listen to it all one wants. Where I come from, they kill people for that kind of thing.

Riss seems to be fine with music-hoarding as long as the songs are something properly pretentious, or at least something elaborate and heavy with finely-woven lyrics. At some point, I will successfully break him of this idea that what he likes equates to high culture. After that, I will endeavor to break him of the idea that high culture is more meaningful than low culture. We will call it something to do with enlightenment.

I love ordinary music. I could have had high-culture music, all those genius compositions by composers with no-doubt-astronomical IQs who made songs designed to be appreciated by similarly highbrow people. I do talk down about these creations a little because their appeal is limited. Pop music is like having one's finger on the pulse of the general masses. The people feed the musicians with all their ordinary feelings, longings, and concerns, and the musicians weave songs that repeat these experiences back to the people. The people feel as if someone has heard them and has understood what they desire. Pop music can also teach people how to feel, prompting new waves of emotion to rise up and inform new musicians. The cycle repeats.

Pop is ordinary because people are typically quite simple, in the uncomplicated sense, and so they never tire of hearing about love, relationships, difficult parts of life, things that make them angry or sad... When Riss sends me the sense that he desires some kind of rare music that speaks of mysterious, obscure things in mysterious, obscure ways, I think that he is really trying to hold himself artificially apart from others. The ordinary is not enough for him, even though pop songs speak to different parts of his mind, just as they speak to regular folk. He does not want to be regular. Thus, he finds the music of the common people distasteful on principle.

Humanity appears in this dialogue between pop musicians and their listeners. The songs would not be popular if they were not somehow important to large numbers of people. I have always felt that when one listens quietly to this vast conversation, one can hear that heartbeat, the pull of the deep currents of thought and feeling that drive the ordinary people and express what they find meaningful.

Shall we hate "You Found Me" because it's popular enough to be played on hair salon radio stations? Because, probably, no one sits in velvet-lined parlors and discusses it in modest tones while sipping gourmet tea? I will love it because it says what many people are probably thinking. Riss has thought such things himself. Its sentiment is one part of that pulse, especially if this song is truly on the crest of the popularity wave.

You can't rightfully hate something for telling you what you already know, even if that knowledge is something that makes you feel uncomfortable, lonely, and coated with the filth of the world. Humanity is in the lowness of people; it's not found exclusively at the peaks of civilization.

I should pause before I rev up into a sermon. :) In other news, I will attempt to continue tweaking the colors on my DW account. Oh, if I could only import those adorable LJ kittens!! If I am lucky, someday I will have icons featuring my logo and eyeless tigers. Probably not anytime soon, though.

comments

The Only Constant is Maids.

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 06:27:35 GMT

I'm not wasting my first post. I'll be spending it on something fun, which will be a character generation for the tabletop Maid RPG game. The others in my group have decided to do it, and I'm particularly keen on participating after Riss convinced [S] to be our Master and started talking about writing some shorts after we had all made our characters.

Being a fine servant to [S] and competing for his affection is certainly something that I'm willing to spend time on. ;)

bossgoji is responsible for beginning this meme and writing up the original generation sequences. She and strikestwice both spent some storytelling effort on the process itself, but I'm going to abbreviate it in anticipation of the fun times that will be had after this is complete.

( Let's hope that I end up at least a little on the saucy side. )

Who's next? :)

--BT.

comments